Gratitude can go f*ck itself
But not exactly...
There, I said it. And I’ll say more.
No, I don’t actually hate gratitude. It’s beautiful to appreciate what we have. I’m endlessly thankful for the people who’ve shaped me, for the therapists who helped me survive PTSD, for the privilege of healing from full-body paralysis caused by Guillain-Barré, and for the safety of living in a country where I am safe-ish.
But I do hate how gratitude is often weaponized.
When gratitude is used like perfume over emotional rot, we’ve got a problem.
Let me explain.
The Miasma Analogy:
In my post about toxic positivity, I compared our emotional hygiene today to how we used to treat physical illness. Back in the day, people believed disease came from “miasma”, stinky air. So they stuffed plague masks with herbs, covered stink with perfume, and hoped for the best.
But covering the smell didn’t heal the sickness. It made it worse. Gratitude is our modern perfume. It smells good, but it doesn’t clean the wound.
How many of us have heard:
“Don’t be angry. Be grateful.”
“You’re lucky it wasn’t worse.”
“You can walk now, right?” (in my case)
This is emotional miasma in a pretty bottle. It invalidates pain. It silences rage. It demands palatability instead of truth.
Gratitude is wonderful, when it’s real. Use it when your heart is open. Journal it. Appreciate all the wonderful things you have in your life. But when you’re grieving, when the world has crushed you , you don’t need perfume. You need a shower. You need to rage, weep, and be met in your mess. You need a person to sit in the darkness with you, not spray air freshener around your wounded soul. I started writing about how to be there for each other in my pieces about compassion and non-violent communication.
And if someone can’t do that?
They can kindly shut the f*ck up.
Here at Healing Out Loud, there’s no toxic positivity. No “good vibes only.” Just the raw, unfiltered truth, and the hope that sharing it helps us all breathe a little easier.
What’s something honest you needed to share, but someone told you to be “grateful” instead?
This is heartbreaking. Rubbing salt in the wound.
We as a society don't have the ability to hold space for grief.
We need to break the silence and find space for genuine compassion.
My sincerest condolences. I have very little understanding of the depths of what you are going through. All I know is that we have the words widow and orphan... but we don't have a word that means a parent losing a child. This is wrong.
Yassss. I have been through religion and with 2x pain conditions for 30 years. I find myself feeling good at times, even great. And I am thankful, naturally, without thought, for so much. I live on disability, alone with my cat, and much of my pain is experienced unconsciously. Why? I don’t push anything ‘at’ it. It’s been allowed. Unjudged. Not the enemy to be roped and made into something. Unmolested by my beliefs, thoughts and OTHERS’ opinions. I also get mad, tired, frustrated and gee, every other emotion… it’s normal people. PS all this took years to arrive at… stick your happy up yer butts!